“I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon…”-word to Amy Winehouse

New York City is home of the perpetual first date.

Never in my entire life have I had such ease of dating as I have had in the city of millions that has far better things to do than to sleep.  To say I get at least one number every time I go out is not a statement of ego or a proclamation of my beauty and charm (although to be clear I am both beautiful and charming). It’s simply stating facts. It’s pretty easy out in here these concrete jungle streets to meet men.

All types of men.

Wait. It’s been so long since I’ve written here…you’re probably a little confused.  Zette (c’est moi) has made the big move to New York City. I am a New New Yorker. The Southern Girl has taken her feminine wiles way way way above the Mason Dixon line and has replanted herself in the city where dreams come true.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…where was I?  Ah yes…men. I probably have a harder time trying to figure out how exactly the subway works than I do meeting gentleman.  And I do mean all types of gentlemen…”entrepreneurs,” artists, musicians, students, businessmen, Black, White, Hispanic…I mean do I need to go on.

At any given function men and women pair off to have the superficial “getting to know you” conversations that subsequently result in the exchange of cards or the entry of phone numbers into smartphones.  A couple of texts or phone calls later and the first date is scheduled. Boy picks place (or in my experience I pick place). Girl gets all dolled up for whatever the night holds. Boy and girl meet up at the destination and BAM the first date is progress. Date may or may not go well. Boy drives girl home. Boy is not invited up for a night cap, but girl does resign to give him a kiss in the car. Girl skips up her steps and boy drives off into the moonlight. Boy and girl may exchange a couple more texts, but don’t necessarily solidify plans for a second date. Girl goes to another function and the first date cycle begins again.

My friends that live here warned me that,”New York is a dating City.” Hearing that and living it are two completely different experiences.  It is both intriguing and quite frankly exhausting.  It takes a certain patience and mindset to be constantly engaged in the getting to know your process at my age. I spent my 20s happily single and free and while I love the freedom of my singlehood, quite frankly at 30 years old…I’m not really sure how many more first dates I’m really interested in going on right now.

Wait. Could that be Zette talking…Miss Embrace Your Singleness and Enjoy the Hell Out of Every Second Of It. Yes? Yes it’s her. I’m not turning my back on my singleness either. What I’m saying is…

I don’t know what I’m saying actually. Could it be that I’m ready for something more sustainable.  Or perhaps I’d like to slow the dating merry-go-round down a bit.  How about a second and or third date?

Hmm…

So I think that my friends and I have come to a conclusion about not only ourselves, but other women…we overanalyze every single thing. Plain and simple. I’m probably going to re-read this post and overanalyze what I wrote. I guess it’s just the nature of the beast. All of us could be world renowned scientists or detectives if we took the same amount of energy that we put into overanalyzing the asinine things in life and concentrated them in other areas of our lives. Even when I try not to overanalyze situations…I still end up overanalyzing why I’m not overanalyzing what I was trying not to overanalyze.

What’s interesting is that what we tend to overanalyze the most is our relationships with the opposite sex. Does he like me? Does he think about me? He hasn’t called me…is there something going on? Maybe he’s seeing someone else? He doesn’t open up enough to me…how can I get him to change? Is he attracted to me? What does he like about me? Dude…I can really see why the self-help industry stays in business…they feed off of our inability to just let things take their course. I get sick of my friends telling me I overanalyze…because those same heffas are somewhere overanalyzing themselves. *SIGH*

Change isn’t going to occur overnight…it’s going to take a conscious effort to limit the “over analytical” process. I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think that men overanalyze in the same manner in which we do. I’d like to make the conjecture that over analysis is firmly based in emotion and since it is perceived that being “emotional” is primarily a female trait…there lies the root of all evil…lol. There is someone out there right now overanalyzing that statement…STOP THAT.

I’m moving into this “bump it” phase in my life. Bump how he feels about me….bump him if he doesn’t call…bump him if he wants me to work around his schedule…bump him if he can’t open up and be real about how he feels…bump him if he’s not as is into me as I am to him…bump him if he can’t make time for me….bump it and bump HIM. Whew…now didn’t that feel good.

I’m making a pact today…I will no longer overanalyze anything (ok well most things…lets be real…about this shall we). I’m just going to let things flow and just be. Which is usually my preference, but when you roll with a bunch of over analytical broads (I love yall)…what’s the saying…”When in Rome…”

I don’t think any man knows exactly who he is at any point in his life.  The experiences we go through, the loses we face, the new people we encounter will always teach us something about ourselves.

“Who am I?”  That question has an infinite number of answers.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we are all bumbling idiots, walking this earth with no direction and no self-awareness.  All I’m saying is who has time and self-knowledge enough to know exactly who he is, at any given point.

I know some things about myself.  I have two speeds, its either pedal the metal or snail’s pace.  I know I love my family.  I know I oversimplify complicated issues.  I know I will never have normal sleeping patterns.  I know I have a hard time saying no.  Those are a few things I know.  However, there are facets of my personality that come out all the time.  There are plenty of times that I am amazed at what is coming out of my mouth (usually not in a good way).

I guess what I am saying is, “Life is a journey.”  Who we are changes. What we see as important changes.  How we feel changes.  Where we set our aspirations changes.  If we knew everything and had it all figured out, life wouldn’t be so stressful, but it also wouldn’t be so interesting.

So it’s a random Thursday night and I have asked my wife to go to yet another event with me.  Sure she has spent time in the court all day fighting for safety in the streets of the District but at night I want her to spend time meeting folks and networking. Knowing that she would be attending this event with me tonight, my wife planned her day and an outfit change for the night.

Sure she wore a banging outfit to work and was killing them with kindness and a super smile, but when she stepped out with me that night she wanted to take the extra step.  The first time she did this I asked her why and she quoted our song from our wedding to me by India.Arie. “If I am a reflection of Him… then I must be fly…” she said without hesitation.

This is an important lesson for me. When I was younger I was prone to believe that women dressed for other women. She buys those shoes, clothes, and handbags so she can keep up with the Joneses. But marriage has taught me that my wife does this not for anyone else but rather so she can represent the union that is us. This has taught me to think twice about leaving the house ashy and in my ripped up shorts…because I too am a reflection of my wife.

So here is a tip, remember that you should be mindful of the way you represent your household in everything you do. Take the time to groom and adorn yourself in a way that shows you care about the rest of your family. Before you step out of the house take a look at the man in the mirror and see if you reflect the lyrics of Ms. Arie.

Deciding to have gastric bypass surgery was probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve made in my entire life.  Let me take that back. Choosing to live a healthy life was an easy decision to make, how I got to a healthier place was not an easy decision to make.

Obesity is an illness. It took me 28 years to admit that my unhealthy relationship with food was in fact a toxic one.  Don’t get it twisted, I love who I am.  I have been a 6’1.5” plus size woman for the majority of my life and I have never doubted who I am…I have never lacked confidence.  What I haven’t been is 100% healthy.  With a family history of diabetes, congestive heart failure, kidney disease, and high blood pressure I already had strikes against me. In March of last year, I sat in ICU with my father as his organs all slowly started to turn against him (he also had heart surgery on my birthday in November).   Add on the fact that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in 2003, had been told I was pre-diabetic, and had high cholesterol and you have what my doctor called, a walking time bomb.  The thing that scared me the most about all of this was the fact that I may never be able to have children.  The only thing I have ever wanted to be in my entire life was a mother, to know that I was not in the shape to even consider motherhood rattled my soul.

I’ve dieted. As a matter of fact, I have done every possible diet, diet plan, diet pill, whatever you can think of related to a diet I have tried.  Along with diets came excuses…I work too many hours…I don’t have time to do this. I don’t like the food. This is too expensive.  If you can find an excuse, I’ve given it.  Though I’d gotten on board with personal training (my personal trainer is le bomb by the way) I could not quite master the food portion of getting my health together.

During my annual physical at the end of June 2010, my primary care physician…a woman that speaks her mind even if you don’t want to hear it was blunt with me, “…you’re not going to lose the weight you need to on your own.  I think that you should have gastric bypass surgery.” I sat there in shock, frustrated, probably even angry…mostly in denial. Along with a prescription for cholesterol medication, she handed me information on a center that specialized in bariatric surgery.

As she droned on about my options, I tuned her out flipping through the pamphlet…toying around with the word obese in my head.  In my mind morbidly obese people were those folks that you saw on television that couldn’t move around on their own…I was simply a big girl. However, according to the BMI, I was in fact morbidly obese WITH co-morbidities that qualified me for surgery.  I finally tuned back in to hear my doctor saying, “…your question is not if you will develop more health issues…it’s when.” I left her office agreeing to go to the next seminar that the center had.

I spent hours on the center’s website reading about options, testimonials from clients, possible complications…I mean every word on the site. I also found out that because of the type of insurance that I have (Praise God for excellent benefits) that I could expedite the process and wouldn’t have to jump through the hoops that other folks had to in order to be approved to have the procedure done. After a lot of discussion with my mother and a woman that has become a dear friend that also had the surgery, the decision was made and I began my approval process, and by the end of July my surgery had been scheduled for September 14, 2010.

Honestly, I felt completely comfortable with my center, the staff, and most importantly my surgeon.  When we met during my first consultation, he looked at my weight and then looked up at me and said, “… you definitely don’t look like you weigh this much.”  I laughed and replied that I wear my fat well.  What a way to start our relationship right.  He walked me through what my surgery would be like, what my potential complications were, what my nutritional goals would be, and what my aftercare would be like. I think the thing I liked the most about my center is the post-surgery support that you are given.  They have dietians, exercise physiologists, and psychologist lead support groups to support the psychological and physical changes that their patients are going to go through.

There is this incorrect stigma about gastric bypass being the “easy way out.”  Let me tell you all something…eight months post –surgery there is nothing easy about this. Nothing easy at all.  This was the first time I’ve EVER had surgery.  I am thankful for the support of my family and friends because honestly I couldn’t have done it without them.  This surgery means that I’ve had to readjust my entire mind frame about food.  There was essentially a three week period that I couldn’t even eat solid food because you have to train your new stomach pouch how to digest food. Can you imagine going from eating what the hell you want to a clear fluid diet. Can you imagine going from being able to stop wherever you want to, to pick up a bite to eat to now having to be deliberate about every single meal, including making sure that you don’t drink anything 30 minutes before or after you eat.  What about never being able to take an entire pill or capsule again your life…meaning you have to crush medication in order to take them? What about having to make sure that you get in enough protein so your hair doesn’t fall out? (My hair def…fell out)   When I say this surgery has changed my life in more ways than one…it has, but for what I know is the better.  I also enjoy the support groups, because I’ve gotten great tips from other folks that have endured similar challenges that I’m facing going through this process.

I want to be clear, gastric bypass surgery was about me being HEALTHY not SKINNY. I was already aesthetically pleasing to myself *smile*.  I had surgery so that I can be around for my babies’ babies.  I’m not selling out on the wonderfulness that is the plus size community…let’s be real I’m 6’1.5” and my doctor and I BOTH agreed that the BMI wasn’t my weight loss goal…I just need to get my body to a healthy state and with that in mind we set my target weight together.. My confirmation that I’d made the right decision came when I found out while I was in recovery that my father had been released from the hospital the day before because of kidney failure and a high blood pressure flare up.  My family didn’t tell me because they didn’t want me to worry and not go through with my surgery.  If nothing else that confirmed for me that I’d made a decision to save my life. I’m currently at 134.9 lbs gone and losing…while gaining my health!

I think that the decision to have gastric bypass surgery or any other kind of weight loss surgery is a personal one that you have to be prepared for.  I won’t say that I’m the poster child for the surgery. I get my drink on (in moderation…cuz I’m officially a cheap drunk), during stressful times, a sista hits up the occasional fun size candy, but yall…when I say I feel…completely different…I can’t even explain it.  The energy level, the ability to walk up steps without weezing, no more back pain…I feel renewed.   I made the decision that was right for me and I don’t regret it…not one little bit.

My Journey In Photo

April 2010

October 2010

December 31, 2010

February 2011

March 2011

April 2011

May 2011 (134.9 lbs and losing)

Being a handyman may come in handy man….

So it’s dark outside and you have just had a great dinner on your date night. You already have the Vandross mix disc loaded up and ready to roll at the crib. You open her door…peeking in to see if she will lean across to open or at least unlock your door…and you can’t wait to get to the next station on this night train. #BartScottVoice – CAN’T WAIT!

In go the keys, twisted to ignite, ready to get it poppin for the rest of the night…then nothing. “Oh” you think…”must have just tried to start to fast or something.” You try again and its still nothing. Silence.  And this time the lights and the radio flash on and off quickly.  Damn.  You just sent off your payment. Just had it serviced. Now What?!

At times like this it’s best to be prepared. That look your lady is giving you from the passenger seat is one that has been around forever. It simultaneously says that I may be able to fix this problem while also saying I want you to know how to fix this without my help. Traditions and roles have gone out the window and we are in these “modern” times but believe me just like you want her to know how to boil water, she wants you to know how to make the car start…even when it won’t. And fix the door lock, and hang a picture… That is what she thinks of when she says to herself and her girls “I just want him to be a man” because that is what society says a man does. Right or wrong it just is…

There is the tip: treat life like the class that it is. Realize that your life will come with little unexpected situations, some of which you will have the ability to buy yourself out of. Others will require you to put in some sweat equity and to get your hands dirty. Live. Learn. And Grow into being a man. It’s more fun than you think and will help you get back to that Vandross mixtape quicker than you think.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Every single day I thank the Creator for blessing me with the beautiful and talented spirits S/He has placed in my life. One of those spirits is my lovely big sister DJ Diva…your favorite blogger’s favorite DJ.  I met Margaret via the matrix over 7-years ago and it’s been love ever since.  Besides being one of the most amazing women I have the pleasure of calling my friend…she’s also an ill DJ and the fairy godmother of podcasting (you better ask about her!!).

It made perfect sense when I was thinking about what I wanted to do to officially announce the return of www.dearZette.com that I collaborate with the lovely Margaret. This is our THIRD mixtape collaboration and while it’s not as sexy as our other mixtapes…the goodness is all still there. Featuring some of my favorites like Jill Scott, Eric Roberson, Cee-Lo Green, and Bilal…her Monday Mixtape in honor of my return to blogging is sure to leave you feeling good!

New motivation…new site design…new groove….neo-soul.  All about the new new yall!

<Download sueZette’s New Groove Neo-Soul Mixtape here>

Tracklisting:

1. Jill Scott ft. Anthony Hamilton – So In Love

2. Mary Mary – Walking

3. Darien – Just Can’t Wait

4. Zo! ft. Eric Roberson, Darien Brockington & Rapper Big Pooh-This Could Be The Night

5. Anthony David – Let Me In

6. Cross Country Collective – Give it 2 Ya

7. Nicolay & Peter Hadar – Watermelon

8. Big Boi Feat. Janelle Monáe – Be Still

9. Cee Lo Green – I Want You

10. Philip Clark – World Turns Around

11. Kristopher Lamont – Change

12. Jennifer Hudson – Angel

13. Adele – Rolling In The Deep

14. Amy Winehouse – It’s My Party

15. Solange Knowles – I Decided

16. The Foreign Exchange ft. Yahzarah – If This Is Love

17. Eric Roberson (DJ Kemit, Ahmed Sirour Remix) – Still

18. Nicolay Ft. Darien Brockington – I Love The Way You Love

19. Bilal – Something To Hold On To

20. Jazmine Sullivan – L.O.V.E ReMiX

21. The Foreign Exchange – Maybe She’ll Dream of Me

22. Jesse Boykins III- Amorous

23. Janelle Monae – Say You’ll Go

24. Zo! & Phonte – Return Of The Mack ft Tigallo the Tay God

“You can grow better…or you can grow bitter”-a wise woman

I’m single because that’s what works for me right now.

I’m not jaded, I’m not bitter…I’m just single, and I’m ok with that. I’m enjoying this time of doing me and when it’s time to operate in some plural form, I’ll be ready.

I understand people want companionship, but I am sometimes disturbed by conversations I’ve had with friends of mine, that have turned into rants about how great and wonderful they are and how they can’t understand why they’re still single. Just stop it.  The time spent ranting, would be better spent doing some good self reflection. The reality is there is a difference between being ready to be in a relationship, and being relationship ready. In the equation called your life, you are the only common denominator.

Here’s my list of things that Single Sistas Need to Do Before 2011 Is Over:

1. STOP INDULGING IN THE WHY BLACK WOMEN ARE SINGLE CONVERSATIONS.
2. Stop viewing being single as some form of cruel and unusual punishment.
3. Stop comparing yourself to your married/boo’d up friends.
4. Stop casting yourself as the victim of some ponzi dating scheme.
5. Think outside of the box about where you’re meeting men.
6. Cast a wider geographical dating net.
7. Stop overanalyzing everything!
8. Take the time to enjoy your singletude.
9. Avoid discussing relationships with your bitter single friends (What’s that saying about birds of a feather…)
10. Remind yourself: I’M SINGLE…NOT DEAD!

(Image from Centric TV)

The fantasy of the yard surrounded by the white picket fence is changing.  Growing up I bought into having 2.5 children, the house, 9 to 5 job and weekend runs to the Home Depot.  Now, not so much.  I don’t know if that is because life often times has a way of turning you into a different direction, or maybe it’s a sign of the times. Let me break the American dream into sections so I can better explain.

2.5 Children: I love kids.  I have soon to be four nieces and nephews, who I love very dearly.  However, my freedom is something I have grown accustomed to.  Let’s face it, life changes with children.  I want a few little rug rats, but I need a wife, stability and a village before that happens.

The House: Strings attached. Let’s face it, a lot of people are losing homes and getting into financial situations that they did not foresee.  The American dream has been about getting the biggest house you can afford.  No matter how nice the house is, you won’t be comfortable in
it if you’re barely making the payments on it.

9 to 5: Never bought into this one.  If it were up to me, I’d live off the land.

Weekend runs to the Home Depot: I’m a handy man at heart.  You may find me in the Home Depot during the week. I guess all I’m saying is that we grow up hoping for one thing and a
lot of times we find out those things aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Just because you don’t believe in what you used to, or your life isn’t where you thought it would be, doesn’t mean your dream is lost.

Walt

I have been throwing down my #husband101 thoughts all over the internet via a semi-active Twitter account for a while now.  The funny thing about the internet is you never really know what sticks, but just the other day I was having a chat with a friend who confirmed for me that there may be valuable insight, cloaked inside some of my ramblings, specifically for other young men like me, who did not have an older brother to follow into matrimony.

You see the first lesson of matrimony, in my experience, is that the two independent forces that once existed have to now find some way to coexist as one. It’s foreign to the very independent nature of us human beings. Some people like to say, “…I was only half the man/woman before I met my mate…,” but that is factually inaccurate. Before you met your boo/girl/life partner/soul mate… you were a living and functioning human being. You were a One. You met another One and now you hope to be a part of ONE together.

This is not new math by a long shot. “Modern marriages” have been on the thing to do list for centuries and the ceremony usually includes some symbol of “joining together.” Whether it is the unity flame, or the “new new” the unity sand in the same container, all of these things serve the same purpose – to show that sometimes one plus one really does equal one.

Here is the tip – as you continue to push your relationship to the next level ask yourself the honest and hard questions. Are you taking the lesson from the flames? Are you committing fully, pouring all your sand in the jar? Or are you keeping some of the flame for yourself?

Joe